Virtual Tips for the Average Student

 The transition to online school has been tough for many of us. So, here are my top tips on how to better manage distance learning.

#1
Practice your signal-is-cutting-out sound. This could be achieved by crumpling a piece of paper (just make sure your teacher can’t see), with your mouth if the camera is off, or in a number of creative ways. My personal favorite is finding a conference-hanging-up tone on Youtube and playing that on my phone. Use this whenever you forgot to do last night’s reading or don’t know the answer to a question.

An accurate description of what students’ minds look like during online school.

#2
Learn how to fall asleep quickly. If your teacher doesn’t require you to have your webcam on, then you’ve got a free pass to do whatever you want during class. And what better way to spend this time than being asleep? All you need to do is wake up for a few minutes every hour, enough time to say goodbye to one teacher and be present for attendance in your next class. Napping in between will give you plenty of energy for all-night gaming sessions or TikTok browsing. Remember, your teachers are practically encouraging you to do so by not requiring your webcam be turned on!

#3
Reconsider your moral code. At Bolles, the Honor Code is drilled into is the minute we walk in the door, and we all know that cheating is strictly against it. But, do the Honor Code and the Bolles Way still apply if we’re not even technically at Bolles? How can one get sent to Honor Court if the Honor Court is social distancing? We’re at all risk of dying from COVID-19, so why not die with a 4.0?

#4
Don’t bother with appearances. Now that we’re all social distancing, many of us have realized that no, we were not dressing up for ourselves but instead for other people. And this is totally fine! Now, we can all relax. What’s the point of dressing up for your crush in math class if your webcams aren’t even on? And if they are, the screen is probably too low-quality for them to notice the acne on your chin. In fact, as long as the lighting in your room isn’t great, it probably won’t show if your teeth are yellow either. Perfume? Cologne? Showers? No longer necessary! Finally, we can all stop pretending that we want to take care of ourselves, and instead embrace our natural, swamp-goblin selves!

#5
Discover trans-dimensional travel. We all know that the only reason any of us pay attention is because we’re forced to be in the same room as the teacher. Not anymore! Now, scrolling through Instagram during a lecture is easier than ever. However, maybe being forced to pay attention was a good thing – for our grades at least. Well, according to multiverse theory, every possible outcome of each decision we make exists in an infinite number of realities. This means that there is a parallel universe in which you actually like school, pay attention, and get good grades. All you have to do is build a machine that lets you travel to this universe, borrow your nerd-self’s notes, and voila! If you’re wondering whether making breakthroughs in physics for the sake of an A is worth it, I’m here to tell you that yes, yes it is.