Brave New Bolles

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Brave New Bolles

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Lenina Crowne once said, “School can be difficult.  I’m not going to deny it, and I’m sure you won’t either.  When one combines all the honors, AP’s, tests, quizzes, lengthy and often mundane reading, projects, and busy work which seemingly serves no purpose other than tormenting its students, the result usually ends in complete and utter chaos.”

Which is precisely why AP Chemistry students turned a lab gone wrong into a revolutionary idea to rectify the situation.

See, the students really were attempting to create a simple salt compound during a lab.

However, one student, who really shouldn’t be in AP Chemistry (a.k.a., yours truly), accidentally spilled some of her iced coffee into the solution, thus creating a substance that, when boiled down, is the stuff of Aldous Huxley’s imagination:

soma.

 

At one point or another, most sophomores, juniors and seniors have read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (sorry, freshmen, look it up).  To provide context, I’ll give a brief summary.

 

Brave New World describes the dystopian futuristic society where the government gives its citizens ‘soma,’

a drug similar to morphine which takes away any unpleasant feeling. Unlike morphine, which only reduces physical pain, ‘soma’ eliminates all sorts of pain and discomfort, as well as adding excitement to otherwise boring situations.

But AP Chemistry students only figured this out that reality is truly stranger than fiction when Pranit Manohar mistook the solution for sugar and put it in his and his lab partners’ drinks. Almost instantaneously, the three lab partners experienced a rush of euphoria- all anxiety vanished, their foul moods softened, and,

Adam Pooley (‘19) said,  “One could say that inner peace was reached.”

Obviously, Manohar stated, the world needed to know.

The students excitedly speed-walked the soma to the administration to present their ingenious idea, but were disappointed with the response they received from an anonymous administrator: “Suck it up, buttercup.  Our generation won multiple wars, I think you can handle a little bit of homework.”

Frustrated, the students went to the Canteen for lunch and managed to accidentally spill the substance in the chipotle mayo at the sandwich line.

15 minutes later, the teacher on Canteen duty reported seeing unusually carefree and happy students gliding about their lunch period, as well as feeling quite bubbly himself.

Ever since seeing proof of what soma could do, the Administration changed their policy, allowing soma treats to be sold (for a fair price) at the Canteen, Cafeteria, and Bookstore.

Even Mr. Rivera said, while finishing his sandwich, “I wasn’t really planning on passing this student, but, clearly, she has surpassed all expectations for this course.  A+ for sure.”

Feeling down? Cheer up with warm, gooey chocolate chip cookies that’ll sweeten your mood. Can you feel your heart rate quickening because your phone won’t stop pinging? Sip on some soma-enhanced herbal tea lemonade that even Starbucks envies! Already crying before Activities because you have so much to do?  Snack on some soma jelly beans which can now be bought at the Bookstore!

Everyone on campus has felt the positive influence of soma. Dr. K, when asked to comment, said, “It will be like every grade is the best grade a student ever received! My students have never before been this captivated by the complexities of Manifest Destiny.”

To pay homage to Huxley, Bolles is even thinking of changing the motto from ‘Courage, Integrity, Compassion’ to ‘Community, Identity, Stability,’ the motto of Huxley’s World State.

Coming back from Spring Break has never been easier.  Try soma today!

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