Five feet apart (not the movie)

Five feet apart (not the movie)

As spring begins to blossom, I think everyone here in Jacksonville can agree that nothing bums people out like seeing couples holding hands.


As part of a new city-wide regulation, Jacksonville Mayor Lenny Curry recently announced a new PDA-public displays of affection-policy.


“I firmly believe that this new policy will prevent our citizens from falling into dangerous situations like, for instance, hugging or touching their children. Friends will no longer have to live in fear of an awkward high-five, or risk being hugged by a classmate. I am proud to announce this new policy, and look forward to making Jacksonville even better,” said Curry.


With this new policy, all residents of Jacksonville will be required to stay five feet apart at all times. Rather than applying solely to couples, this legislation was written as such that no two people can come within five feet of another without a hefty fine, the money from which will be used to improve the city. To help this great cause, five foot long rulers will be issued to every resident in an attempt to help citizens uphold this new city ordinance.


Consequently, Bolles will be forced to widen its stairways to allow people to walk up and down without the risk of bumping into another person. As a result, the time allowed between classes will be upped to 25 minutes, as only one person can use the staircase at a time.

Now, one might wonder the functionality of this new regulation, however this reporter firmly believes in the future success of the PDA policy. To find out what the people of Jacksonville think, I trekked downtown to ask.


When asked how she thinks the new policy would affect her business, local waitress Ally Alligator stated, “Well, serving food to my customers is definitely more of a struggle now that I can’t get within five feet of them. It also doesn’t help that I have to carry around this ruler now, and I keep knocking down other waiters and the food with it. So I’ve kinda resorted to just throwing the plate like a frisbee, I’d say I have about a 50% chance of getting it on the table. So a lot of customers end up with food on their face. But hey, at least I don’t have to worry about seeing anything as vulgar as a couple holding hands. That would really be bad.”

Chad Flenderson, local boyfriend, describes his particular predicament “ Yeah, so um, it’s kinda hard to date my girlfriend now that the five feet apart rule is a thing. Like, I can’t really touch her, or like being in the same car with her, so that sucks. It’s kinda like a long distance relationship, but not. A five-foot- relationship.”

As a result of this new policy, holding hands is said to be the new underground activity, as couples are forced to stay apart, which I’m sure we are all grateful for.

However, on the bright side, Subway Sandwiches has seen a boom in sales with their new five foot long sandwich which, long enough that kids can split it with friends.