Alien Overlords Apologize, Vow to Reset Simulation to 2019

“Given the hostile reactions of the inhabitants of EarthSim-257 to the increased difficulty setting at the beginning of the solar year 2020, we will be resetting the simulation to 2019 and decreasing the difficulty setting to its previous level,” Hexaglomado Huj, chairman of the Board of Overlords of the Organization for Making Earth-Reality Simulations, or BOOMERS, told the Bolles Bugle on Sunday.

Huj is known for his dynamic, multi-tentacular speeches. Artwork by Atticus Dickson.

Huj states that the organization made the initial decision to raise the difficulty setting due to the rapid economic growth found in this version of the Earth simulation. He and the other members of the Board of Overlords sought to test the adaptability of humankind to rapidly deteriorating circumstances, such as the threat of a world war, catastrophic wildfires, plagues of locusts, a market crash, and now a deadly global pandemic. Further factors adding to the panic include the appearance of Unidentified Flying Objects and the spread of invasive “murder hornets.”


However, Huj’s optimism seems to have been poorly founded.
“Our hypotheses were incorrect. Humankind Variant 257 was not equipped for such conditions,” explained Woqui Derg, a human behavior expert working with BOOMERS.


The Bugle reached out to the Organization’s public relations office, and have received the following statement:


The Intergalactic Organization for Planetary Simulations is dedicated to providing a quality living experience for all of our subjects, as well as to producing quality research. The variant of humankind found in your planetary simulation has proven unusually creative, resilient and adaptable. 


Our aim was simply to test your ingenuity without causing the collapse of your civilization. However, the alteration in difficulty has caused and will continue to cause significant structural damage to human society. Certain irrational behaviors serve as indicators of societal breakdown, such as hoarding common supplies like toilet paper and soap, creating an artificial shortage, as well as consuming an unusual quantity of food for no particular reason. This test is therefore no longer within our designated goals. To preserve civilization on EarthSim-257, time will be reset to the solar year 2019, and the difficulty will be returned to its original level. To preserve research accuracy, we will wipe the memories of all inhabitants from the last 5.4839 months, and life will return to normal.


However, due to technical challenges related to altering time, some aspects of reality are not able to be changed. These are minor, individual issues that should pose no serious threat to human existence. For instance, any body mass gained by binge-eating during the lockdown will be retained, and money spent on hoarding toilet paper will not be refunded.


Apologies for any inconvenience,
Uydarb Jeg
Director of Public Relations,
Intergalactic Organization for Planetary Simulations

 

“I have no idea what is going on. I’m just relieved we’ll be done with it soon,” said Su Ertekin-Taner ‘22, a sophomore member of the Bolles Bugle staff.
This reporter couldn’t agree more.