Resume Building in Quarantine

What will students resort to for a resume booster?

In the wake of COVID-19, students are feeling the pressure to add their widespread talents to their resume from the comfort of their homes. Due to the cancellation of the ‘resume boosters’, students are resorting to strange activities that they can participate in without the risk of contracting the virus.

1. National Stapling Competition:

The annual competition gauging students’ speed in stapling pieces of fabric together for the predicted increase in COVID cases is celebrating its first year. This year, the host state will be Texas. The competition will take place in Houston where local businesses have been opening up. On April 1, the creation of the competition was announced publicly by Adam Staple, the administrator of this stapling competition in Houston who legally changed his name two weeks prior to his announcement. Staple is convinced that the spread of coronavirus will form new opportunities for, “the creation of the secretaries and CEOs of the future.” He will be privately timing the students’ mask stapling abilities in a Hyatt. Later, he will donate the masks to the U.S. government. As predicted, students ran as fast as hungry animals, or perhaps the speed at which they hope to staple, at the opportunity. Altogether there are 3,000 student sign-ups nationally as of press time. 10th Grader Salim Iron, the son of Sam Iron who is the CEO of colored staples, pledges to win the coveted Golden Stapler Trophy and a monetary prize of $50. Iron previously stated in an interview that this sum is enough to buy 4 staplers with. He and many other students hope to put ‘secretary of an established company’ on their resume as a result of their participation.

2. Campfire Crossfire Competition:

While there were only 120 participants last year, the number has increased to 204 this year as a result of virtual school. That’s a 70% increase in the amount of participants, folks.

The Campfire Crossfire Competition is a battle among hikers to see who can maintain the longest campfire in the Amazonian forest. Hikers are sent into the Amazonian forest with nothing but their clothes, some even lack that, and attempt to create and maintain a campfire using nothing but the materials of the forest. The competition is perfect for the overachieving valedictorians to put on their resume during the pandemic as surviving hikers rarely come into contact with one another. The competition will be celebrating its 15th consecutive year even after last year’s major accident during which a Bishop Kenny’s salutatorian grabbed a cobra mistaking it for a log. This replay of the iconic Mowgli and Kaa interaction from The Jungle Book, was not so friendly in real life. The student, Bhight Mee, ended up being rushed to the hospital and being named the wildlife ambassador of the company as a result of his injury; he was able to put deep field research on his resume. Mee says it was, “totally worth it.”

3.Year 3000:

Named after the iconic Jonas Brothers’ song, this competitive public toilet decorating competition has continued despite the threat of COVID-19 spreading through the toilet seat of public bathrooms. The competition has a few criteria in decorating public toilets: it must be innovative (hence the reference to year 3000), comfortable, unseen by any other competitors, and done within the confines of a port-a-potty. Originality is rewarded in the sport. Last year’s winner, Kanyu Flush, was awarded $1000 for her competitive toilet seat.

Originality is rewarded in the sport.”

She won with her original design of blue fur on the toilet seat along with a remote-control mini TV attached to the stall. Soon thereafter, she was accepted to Deep Spring College in California as the first female student. Now, competitors have resorted to decorating their own private toilets in search of a resume booster. Their work in decorating toilets has transferred into their resumes with the words: “Public service advocate.”


4. ‘Media Archivist’ Home Internship:

Rewatching and binge watching countless episodes or even seasons of your favorite shows can be transferred into your college application! Put those feet up and grab some popcorn because the title of ‘media archivist’ is coming your way even while you relax from the comfort of the bottomless pits of your couch. Watching “Gossip Girl”, “The Good Place”, or even “Narcos” can just be your big opportunity to get into the college of your choice! Bonus points if the show is in a foreign language. Subtitles or no subtitles, with these shows, you can put ‘international relations expert’ on your resume to impress even the top Ivy League schools.

These competitions hope to release their winners following the competitions/deadlines. Be on the lookout!