Why is being a senior so hard? Over the past three years, we’ve looked up to Bolles’ next graduating class. To me, they always seemed to be having fun, relishing in their last year of high school. But that’s not how I feel. My free time is so limited by AP coursework, sports, and the impending doom of college applications. I do spend time with my friends – but the time flies.  Cliche? Yes. True? Absolutely.

“Where are you applying?” “What’s your top choice?” “Are you EDing anywhere?” Most conversations with my peers are dominated by inquiries of the future. I have no clue where I’m going to college, no clue what I’m going to major in, and no clue what job I want. I want to stay a kid forever. I anxiously avoid the thoughts of turning 18 next month, signifying the end of my childhood. I grow nostalgic over the daily occurrence of mundane family dinners that a year from now will be a rare treat.

Maybe it’s just me who feels this way. I’ve certainly spoken to many of my peers who can’t wait to leave home, leave Bolles, leave Jacksonville. And I’m looking forward to starting the next phase of my life too, but it’s hard for me to be excited about the future when a mountain of work stands in the way of freedom.

I’ve been in the passenger seat of this experience before. I watched my brother grow up, move out, and move on. He now refers to his college town as “home” and our residence as “Florida.”  His leaving destroyed me – and even now I mourn the life we lived in the same household. But he didn’t look back. He loves college, loves his friends, loves his classes. And I almost resent him for this. After growing up in his shadow,  this only makes me more anxious. What if I don’t get into the same level of institution as him? What if I am not as successful as him and his near-perfect GPA in college? What if I can’t move on from my childhood as seamlessly as him?  Now I worry I’ll inflict the same fears on my little sister.

Then there’s the ex-boyfriend. The innocence of the first “real” relationship, the contemplation of love, and the constant desire to be together – it was cut short by college. Sure, dating someone destined to graduate in nine months didn’t exactly promise an eternal relationship, but it still hurt just as bad when he left. I even broke up with him two months early to avoid the tearful airport goodbye or the stressed correspondence with someone starting a new life. My sophomore self felt abandoned, my first love stolen from me by this cruel college process.

So being a senior, growing up, and going off to college – they’ve all represented negative things in my life. Loss. Longing. Heartbreak. Even last month I watched my best friend, a year older than me, move into college and I physically felt her pull away from me. How could I feel anything other than hatred towards the road ahead?

It’s probably a personal fault of mine. I hate change. I’m always holding on to someone, something, or some place much longer than is healthy. So I’ve grown used to feeling sorry for myself. There’s a familiar comfort in abandonment, losing so much while I’ve done nothing but idle.  But it’s different now. I’m the one who will leave. I’m doing the abandoning. 

It’s not like there aren’t universities in Jacksonville – if I desired, I could spend the next four years in a five mile radius of where I grew up. Continually, there’s plenty of good schools in our state. And I may very well end up at one of those. But I don’t want to. We live in a society that expects us to leave and only return for Thanksgiving. We expect teens to spread their wings and fly far, far away, without looking back.

So I’m going. I want to leave Jacksonville, leave Florida, leave the south. I don’t want my anxious premonitions and Peter-Pan-like mindset to hold me back. Everyone else does it, so why can’t I? I’m a failure if I waste my potential.

I often have to remind myself that I’m only ever in high school once. These are the days I’m going to look back on longingly, wishing I had let myself enjoy them more. So that’s what I’m going to do – and I encourage you to do as well.

Go to the football games. Go to the school dances. Brush off college deferrals or rejections – isn’t rejection just redirection? Trust that everything happens for a reason. Spend peaceful time with your friends – I guarantee that’s what you’ll miss the most. Yes, parties and trips and adventures are fun, but the most precious moments we’ll one day long for are spent eating lunch in the canteen or studying together in silence.  

We’ll make new friends in college. And we’ll stay in touch with our hometown ones. Maybe some hometown ones will even come with us to college. But things will never be the same.  And that’s a good thing.  

We can’t stay in high school forever. But we can enjoy it while it lasts. So this is what I challenge all of you to do for the rest of the year – live in the moment. Be thankful everyday for the time we have with our friends and our family. Tackle college applications head on instead of procrastinating. Evade senioritis for as long as possible. And most importantly, have fun.

At the end of the day, we’re too young for all of this. The 18 year old mind can’t stretch as thin as the college admissions process desires it to. My teenage heart is weighed down by the inextinguishable fear of the unknown. The one comfort that allows my soul to rest in its anxieties is the reminder that no matter what – we’re going through this together. The 209 other seniors in my class face the same abyss as me. I envy those that are already decided, but early commitments don’t take away the fear of starting a new life. 

So show compassion to your fellow seniors. Relish in the time we have together now and take it one day at a time. You aren’t alone in this process. None of us are. That’s what makes this heart-wrenching, beautiful, cruel, and exciting time so special – we all get to share it.