Tidal Waves

Sometimes when I am surrounded by technology geniuses, such as Ava, Thomas, and Sarah, I feel stupid. I’m sorry. I know it’s a mean word to use in reference to myself. But technology of today requires an IQ much higher than mine. You see, my brain is wired for reading books and analyzing history; maybe learning a language here and there as well. But computers? Why do they never work for me? When I am working on layouts for The Bugle, I am constantly calling out to Ava and Ian, “Hello my favorite Buglers, can you help me download a font?” 

So, I have decided that if I learned to ask for help when it comes to technology, then I can learn to ask my friends if they want to hang out with me. I know, it sounds insane. If they are my friends, then they want to eat lunch with me. No. That is not how my brain works. In my head, each interaction with a person is a spider web of thoughts and complexities with silk linking each unfounded thought with another. “Well, she’s friends with one girl who is really intimidating, so maybe my friend does not want to hang out with me. Actually, maybe she secretly hates me, or worse, talks about how desperate I am to her friends.”

To someone without anxiety, my line of reasoning sounds illogical, fallible, and ridiculous. But in the moment, with irrational thoughts surging in unstoppable tidal waves, with blood pressure skyrocketing to match the pace of my thoughts, my logical thinking skills cease to exist and the tidal waves drown me in a sea of my own thoughts. I journeyed from the spider web of thoughts to the tidal waves of fallacies so I could learn to be courageous and ask Ava and Ian to help me download the font. Learning to navigate technology and learning to handle social anxiety are parallel experiences: both requiring the ability to be vulnerable and admit to myself and others that I need guidance.