SATIRE: Curriculum Change

Florida Adapts Life Management Skills to Pandemic


The COVID-19 pandemic has changed every part of our lives, and the State Board of Education thinks we should handle our lives differently too. So, they have made significant changes to the mandatory Life Management Skills class curriculum. But what exactly will be different? Let’s take a look at the changes.

The first area of difference is in nutrition, where the curriculum stresses that despite the closure of restaurants, it is still important to maintain a healthy diet. It further clarifies that despite being derived from a bean, chocolate is not, contrary to popular belief, a vegetable, nor is ketchup a soup or a salad.

Also added to the unit on personal money management is a segment on hoarding prevention. In this lesson, students will learn strategies they can use in real life to avoid going overboard on toilet paper, bottled water, or any other necessities. They will also hear gripping cautionary stories from people who now have enough toilet paper to last seven lifetimes, but who will not be able to retire in this one no matter how many side gigs they pick up
“I just don’t know what I was thinking. I thought maybe if I bought enough toilet paper I could survive the pandemic better, but it didn’t help. And the store only had one-ply! Now I have no savings and terrible, off-brand toilet paper!” remarked guest speaker T.P. Peterson, who did not care to comment on the irony of her name.

Zoom etiquette will also be added to the curriculum. Students will learn that while it is acceptable not to follow dress code with regards to pants, they should nevertheless be worn if one plans to stand up at any time. Furthermore, teachers can tell when you are on your phone, because apparently trigonometry is not supposed to be funny, and the lecture on World War I does not sound like Call of Duty.

Additionally, students will refine their academic email writing skills. During the course of this unit, pupils will find that teen slang and swear words have been joined by tired language like, ‘In these trying times…,’ and ‘We’re all in this together,’ on the list of phrases not to use. In fact, I nearly vomited just writing that.

The state is also adding a new, groundbreaking elective called Fundamentals of Common Sense, in which students will see cutting-edge research proving our own planet Earth to be round. (Mostly.) It will also demonstrate, through careful analysis, that masks do not inhibit one’s ability to breathe, nor do vaccines contain microchips. Your cell phone may as well, though, but no one wants to hear about that.

College Freshmen Talk:

Responses to the Updated Life Management Curriculum

“I’m glad that the curriculum is finally getting a worthwhile change. The only things I remember from Life Management are “don’t do drugs” and “wear sunscreen.” I wish we would have got a refresher on the course later in high school.”

– John Smith (‘20)

“I loved Life Management. The class was taught really well and the information was very important. However, I felt that a few details were left out that could’ve really helped me in college. With the new curriculum, I’m glad that these minute yet crucial life hacks are getting more attention now. Especially the new Zoom Etiquette chapter.”

– Jane Doe (‘20)