In August 2006, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) declared that Pluto was not a planet, arguing that it failed to “clear its neighboring region of other objects.” NASA scientists, on February 12 of this year, finally decoded a message from the outer reaches of our solar system. A copy is included below:

Greetings Earth-dwellers (derogatory),
We are a planet, and we have decided that you are not. You can kiss our posterior regions. Oh wait, you can’t. You’re too far away and haven’t even developed lightspeed travel yet. Losers. 
Worst wishes and unkind regards,
Hijguf Blokkin,
Assistant to the Undersecretary of Foreign Affairs,
Great and Most Excellent Parliamentary Republic of Pluto

The message originally received little response aside from some nervous chuckles from government officials, but has recently spawned a new trend by which people simply declare anything that may be irritating, bothering, or otherwise antagonizing them “not a thing.”

For example, on the new season of The Great British Baking Show, contestant Ivana Winn struggled to make a successful chocolate lava cake. The cake kept collapsing into the chocolate center, forming something of a lumpy chocolate swamp. To avoid a negative review, she borrowed a tactic from the Plutonians.

“Chocolate lava cake is not a dish,” she announced suddenly.

“Saying something doesn’t automatically make it true,” responded a confused Paul Hollywood. “I didn’t say it. I declared it. That makes it true.”

The showrunners promptly scrapped the lava cake round, and Ms. Winn redeemed herself with a delectable lemon meringue pie.

Last Tuesday, in a Florida courtroom, inmate Vej E. Tarrian stood trial for feeding an alligator precisely 12.25 Subway footlong sandwiches. He had been conducting what he called “super serious science,” investigating how the number of sandwiches influenced “you know, the coolness. Like the general awesomeness of the alligators.”
“Your honor, I hereby declare myself not guilty of all charges,” he stated matter-of-factly, interrupting witness testimony.

Presiding judge Willie S. Cape looked exhausted. “You heard him, bailiff. Let him go.”

The bailiff seemed in no mood to argue, and Tarrian left the courtroom a free man. Good for alligators and Subway franchisees, bad for pretty much everyone else.

Now I know this is a satire piece, part of my usual satire column, but I’m feeling serious today. I hereby declare this article not satire. It is now a piece of Very Serious Journalism to be taken exactly as written. Everything that happened in this story is true, and absolutely Not a Joke. Everyone involved is a non-fictional Totally Real Person. There is positively no irony to this whatsoever. Not one bit, iota, gram, or mole. None.

So try it out, why don’t you? Running up on a project deadline? Declare the deadline not a deadline. It’s due whenever you want it to be due! Next month? Next Year? When you’re 35 and living with your parents? Sure! Or better yet: declare the project not a project. Now you don’t have to do it at all.

So go ahead, eliminate all distinctions, categories, and identities in your life. Climate change isn’t real and neither is COVID. What could possibly go wrong?