SATIRE: Old university offers new courses

Antarctica State/National/Legal Quagmire University at Novolazarevskaya, with its barren landscape and social isolation, has struggled in recent years to attract students, who are generally more tempted to attend college really anywhere else.

Their solution? Offer majors that are fun, fresh, and funky that students are unlikely to find elsewhere. Enrollment has skyrocketed from 25 students in 2019 to 3600 in 2021, with the new policy attracting maybe not the best and brightest, but at least the most unorthodox.

Below is a list of majors at the university, excerpted from a course catalog recovered by one of our writers who went undercover at the university after being rejected by Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Pontifical Catholic University of Puerto Rico–Arecibo.

Communication (with people you don’t like) Studies
How to crash the stock market every several years
Management Management
Crime (not criminology, just crime)
Tolkien Linguistics
Elvish Languages
Mannish Languages
Runic Studies
Interstellar Anthropology
“Accidental” Explosions Engineering
Healthcare Misinformation
Political Science of Fishes
Climate Studies (why we’re doomed)
Cult Leadership Studies
Supernatural Studies
The Art and Science of Catching Ghosts
History of Haunting
Vampire Literature
The Care and Feeding of Werewolves
The Kraken and Other Slimy Entities
Philosophy of Sentient Robots
Psychics (not a misspelling of physics)
Fake Estate
Drama (not like theater, just being dramatic)
Sociology of Antarctica
Wizardry (distinct from Witchcraft for some reason)

Students study the sophisticated polictical behaviors of fish and the social movements behind them. (Quinn Dombrowski)
Students of Supernatural Studies have the opportunity to visit historic haunted mansions on the study abroad trip to Transylvania. (Enrique Meseguer)
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene addresses students in the School of Healthcare Misinformation. (Gage Skidmore)